Daldoum 2

Shall we resume?

Of course. What would you like to know next?

Your description of your relationship with Nile confuses me. Do you wish him well or ill?

I see why you would be confused. It is a subtle notion to wrap your head around. 

You see. I was created and I exist solely because the woman wished misery upon him. My presence in itself is the seal to that misery. As long as I am by his side, He will never know joy. 

However, I am, for all intents and purposes, alive. And incumbent upon that is free will. I do have a soul and I am free to think and feel, and to some extent, even act, freely. You see, his misery is not caused by something I do. It is caused by my mere existence.

That must be a difficult situation for you, to cause such pain to the one you love 

Indeed it is. and it is truly my greatest regret. I'd give my life in a heartbeat to see his smile. I've never seen it.

Why don't you do that? forgive me if it is too confrontational I'm just trying to put the pieces together

I can not. I have no control over my own life and death. Neither can I be killed, unless God wills it. As far as I know, the only one that can remove me is the spirit of the red river. 

How did he know of your existence? 

I think he knew about me when he was born, instinctively. I saw in his eyes, the way he looked. He knew something was amiss from an early age, but he did not confront me until later. 

We'll get to that in a minute, but first, how did his mother know of you?

The curse of the madam was common knowledge at the village by that time. It was more of a fairytale to the common folk, but it was very alive. Madam's progeny have all had the same fate for almost a hundred years. These things can not be covered. A look into one of their faces was enough to convince anyone of the curse. 

His mother married his father in an act of defiance. She did not believe in the curse, or at least did not believe that it should dictate his life. She believed in his freedom, even if he didn't do so himself.   

Oh, There's a father in the story, how was he? 

Yes, there is a father. I wish there's something I could say about him but the only word that comes to my mind is "insignificant". 

Although, in all fairness, I guess the better word to describe him is "tired". He was tired. This stuff weighs on you in a manner that is hard to imagine. All his life, he had to live with the curse and with the social exclusion that came with it. He was a sad boy with no community behind him. 

Didn't he have a family? 

Yes, but here's where you realize how truly devastating loneliness is. He had a family and they lived together, but each one of them was, in a sense, alone. 

Loneliness is not a group-based state. Once you're sad you start to drift towards loneliness. If not rescued within an appropriate delay, you become lonely. Once you're lonely, you're alone in that state. A group can not be lonely together, they can all be lonely, but each one is still alone. 

The curse had its direct implications of misery and dissatisfaction, and each one of those had a knock-on effect as well as various consequences of its own. The thing that is important to realize here is that such a curse was, by design, affecting all aspects of one's life. It's not simply that you're not jolly. Once the world knows you're cursed, you're excluded from it, with all the social and economic consequences that follow.

how did they make a living then?

Money. They were rich. They managed most of the trade in the village. They were the supply outlet and the village needed them to survive. But just because they were needed, does not mean they were part of a community. They were not and they knew it.  The villagers feared them, they feared the curse, and from fear grew hatred. It's a shame really when you think about it, they were no more harmful than anybody else. Their curse was inflicted exclusively upon them. There was no reason for them to suffer more than they needed, but the ignorance of people should never be underestimated. 

I guess they may take consolation in the fact that it didn't matter much. Whether they were included or not, the curse would be there. The ignorance of the villagers was just a mere disappointment. 

So his mother knew that her children would be cursed, but she went for the marriage all the same?

Yes. It was definitely an impulsive decision of a young woman. But I couldn't say that I think she regretted it later. Her life was an act of defiance. Her mere existence, in fact, was not the most welcome, not even to her family. She was the youngest of seven and her parents conceived her by accident and couldn't bring themselves to abandon her. She was neglected and considered more of a nuisance as a child. She was not explicitly hated, but neither was she truly loved. I think, in that regard, she could relate to him. 

She married despite her family and bore a child despite them. She was a strong woman.  

You speak highly of her but she despised you. Do you share any fond memories? 

Yes, she despised me, cursed my existence, but I have a very high esteem of her. I think it is important to understand that she did not know me. She knew of my existence and could even sometimes feel my presence, but she did not know me. We never conversed together like, for example, you and I.

I do have fond memories of her, yes. I have a lot of them in fact. 

Would you tell us one of them? 

Gladly, but then we will stop. 

So remember when Nile had the flu? oh, sweet Nile. He became so thin and so void of life. I was like shattered glass, spilled milk, I was helpless and had nothing to offer. 

His mother, on the other hand, started her 6-day praying streak. Sunrise and sunset, she did not stop. By day three, his heartbeat restarted, she did not stop. By day four, he started faintly nursing, she still did not stop. She was in a different state of consciousness I think, some sort of illumination, for not only did she not stop praying, she did not even flinch. I was standing in front of them the whole time. It was truly a surreal experience. I thought that was it for her, the final act.

Then came day six and, an hour into the night, her eyes opened. By this time, Nile was nursing regularly and his skin regained its color. She tilted her head wearily and looked at him, then but her hand on his belly and felt it extend and deflate with breath. She wasn't smiling, but I saw something else on her look. She had that look that soldiers have when they kill an enemy. Not happiness, not even satisfaction, but a sense of duty. 

She put him on a cloth sheet and lay next to him, and he started nursing again. Then she looked at me. She never did that before, look directly at me. She always felt my presence but never really knew exactly where I was. But this time, her gaze was facing me and I had no doubt in my mind she was addressing me. She was not friendly nor particularly happy. But for once, she was a smidge less hostile. "He is safe" was what her eyes said, without the tiniest bit of emotion behind it, at least not towards me.

That night I felt a quiet relief befall me. She's always been hostile towards me, and I've always imagined us as polar opposites with no reconciliation. But that night, Nile united us, and while there will never be reconciliation between us, I felt a peace of mind knowing that, at the very least, we had one thing in common: his best interest.