Manong: Moon

In the beginning, we are all but one. Good is bad and bad is good. We are all one and the same. Panjia.

This process is heavy on my body and soul. But I need to do it, and I only hope that my efforts will be accepted. 

I have enough juice left for one journey. I need to make the most of it. 

I light up my pipe. "This time will be a bit different," I say to myself with a tired grimace, "a bit grimmer".

I lie down and look up. I take a dive. 

Inhale

I look deep into my memory. I feel my mind drifting. 

I see myself on a horseback. My skin as soft as butter and my soul unburdened. I am a newborn. I extend my hand and touch the horse's mane. I can not see it but we are connected.

I look up and see a man riding the horse. Young and powerful he is. He looks at me and I meet his eyes, as black as a moonless night. I guess we all have the same eyes where I come from.

I let myself sucked into his eyes and feel the infinite night surround me until there's nothing but it. I am consumed by it, my being dilates, inflates, and extends in it. I feel peace.

A sudden sadness strikes my soul. A realization that had been creeping in for a while but I was ignoring. A question that will break my spell. 

"Why am I here?" I wonder, "An infant, riding on horseback with a stranger, what am I doing here?". I realize that I am asking questions to which I knew the answer. I am an abandoned child.

My distress rises until I can't contain it anymore. I'm trying to hold on to the peace I found. His eyes feel my anxiety and start rejecting me. I find myself back out again and start to whimper. 

I pet the horse's mane to find some calm again, but it is no use. The horse starts snorting. The spell is breaking and my sadness is amplified with it. The rider's distress shows. 

"Don't worry about it. I've been where you are at some point" I communicate to him, hoping that he can hear me. "We will get to the destination, but I might need to leave you a bit earlier".

As I leave the scene I am mournful but reassured. It is good for me to trace back to such emotional depth. It will help me reach my goal. 

"Thank you both". 

I look deep into my memory and see myself again. I have a bad feeling about this one but I don't let it dissuade me. If I am to reach the truth, I need to tread dangerous waters. 

I see myself as a young man. Physically strong I am, full of energy and vigor, and looking for an outlet. I am standing next to a friend of mine as he is fighting a big foe. I have no memory of why he got into this skirmish, but he asked for my help and I was glad to provide it.

We were ignorant back then. I was ignorant. Even worse, I was powerful and ignorant. A terrible combination.

My friend is overwhelmed and asks for my help. I don't deny him. 

I strike his foe. He falls to the ground and his eyes fade out. I look at my friend triumphantly. I remember that feeling vividly. How great it was, and how incredibly transient. 

Terrible dread takes hold over me. I have in fact overstepped where I should never have. My heart accelerates and my eyes dilate. I feel an incredible bout of sudden and unimaginable fear. I can no longer breathe and my muscles contract involuntarily. 

"This is the most terrible act anybody has ever done" I think as I start to lose hold of myself. 

First, it is the distance around me, I feel it expand rapidly until nothing is close to me. My friend is far and I'm surrounded by endless land. I crumble next to the dead man.  

Second is light. I feel it dissipate slowly from around me, infiltrated by small black dots that feed on it like a black hole. In a moment, light will become a simple thread.   

"This one is getting very heavy" I think to myself, "But I can't abandon"

I take another lungful of poppy dust. 

Inhale  

It is pitch black.

Next is air. It starts sipping away as if from a punctured balloon. In no time I'll not be able to breathe. 

Thank God for the poppy dust. I can regain some composure and see more clearly. We are all but one, in the end, the creatures, the light, the moon, the air, the water. We are all but one. Panjia. Every separation between us is just an illusion.

I touch the forehead of the dead guy next to me and close his eyelids. This sin is so grave I'm afraid God will never forgive me for it, and I have no face to ask for forgiveness. 

An old man approaches. He was seeing the events transpire and, from the look he has on his face, he saw more than what most people can. 

He extends a hand to me. "A helpful hand in a time of need to such an unworthy soul" I think to myself, I am on the brink of tears. 

"No soul is unworthy, boy" he says, as if he can hear my thoughts.

I take his hand and get to my knees, with an additional jerk, he gets me to my feet. I am sobbing like a child.

The old man keeps his gaze on my eyes and doesn't falter. I can not do the same. How can such a lowly creature as myself be entitled to help and kindness? "This old man is on an entirely different level than I am" I think to myself, "The distance between us is a wedge I can not climb". 

I manage to meet his eyes with utter humiliation and disgrace on mine. His were full of something else, expectations? pride? love? I can not be sure. Why would someone have any expectation of a low life like myself, let alone pride or, God forbid, love. He keeps the same gaze on me as if he can read my mind and is trying to prove a point. No, he can definitely read my mind at this point. I am certain of it. 

"You can leave now, Manong"  he says to me, "I got it from here". It is clear that he knows of my presence. 

"Thank you, old companion. I will see you soon enough".

Exhale 

I am still too far from you, aren't I?  I keep underestimating this journey, both in time and effort.  

This dive has been particularly strenuous on my body and soul. But I believe it was needed. I take full responsibility for all the actions I did and all the wrongs I've committed over the years. I have no face to ask God for forgiveness, but I have unshakeable faith in his mercy.   

I am extremely thankful to all those who have helped me reach where I am now, and to those who have stood in my way. Those who gave their lives for and against me. I feel you all within me. You are all, in a sense, a part of me. As God is my witness, I'll do everything in my power so that your sacrifices shall not go to waste. 

For now, The dawn is upon me and I need to leave this mountain. I have a Rendez-vous to catch and, more urgently, I need to fill up on poppy dust.

Thank you, Panjia, for listening to an old man's foolish blabbering.