Manong: Sun

Let the time come and go freely. It is but a construct of your soul to protect you, to remind you of your limits, what you can do, and what you shouldn't do. Give it its freedom and it shall give you yours.

I thank you for indulging and hope this journey will be less arduous than its predecessors. 

Inhale

I look deep into my memory and I see myself. I see myself lying down a tree. It is nice to be able to enjoy the shade after a day's work. I have no worries. My world has ended and I am lying on top of its rubble. If I have survived this long, it only goes to show that my survival is inevitable. I fear nothing and no one. I think about nothing and no one. My mind is as present as it is absent.

I think I have reached it. The state my master always spoke of. Panjia.

I like myself at this moment. "I'm in good shape" I tell myself. Nothing can get to me. 

It doesn't take me long to notice that I've fallen into my own trap. My hubris was lurking just below the surface, almost undetectable. I perceived it for a mere second. I'm disappointed in myself. 

That fly is buzzing over my face again. Where did it come from? It always appears as if out of thin air and right when I don't need it the most. 

I was foolishly ignorant in my assumption. I am still far off from it. 

I look deeper into my memory and I see myself again. I see myself riding on the back of a horse. Young and masterful I am in this moment. Fully in control.

I am carrying a child in my arms with relative ease. Throughout my years on the job I've learned to juggle a baby while riding. She looks at me expectantly but I don’t react, neither with a smile nor a frown. I just look into her eyes and drown in them. As black as coal. I am completely sucked in.

I feel contained within them. It's pitch black and silent as a grave. I hear nothing and see nothing. I feel my being merge with the blackness and extend through it. Limited I am, but at the same time boundless. Is this it? 

She starts to whimper. She must be realizing that her mother is not here. Or perhaps, her eyes can read my mind and see into her future, and the horrors she sees scare her. I hold my gaze trying to maintain the spell but it's no use. She breaks into a cry. 

Noise has always been my enemy. It breaks my concentration and impedes my reasoning. I can not concentrate. The horse joins in, snorting and neighing. The baby has spooked it. 

This is unfortunate. I need to leave you, for now, little child. Thank you for that brief moment of clarity.

I am still far off from you, aren't I? Panjia.

I dive deeper into my memory and I see myself once more. This process is starting to take a toll on me. 

I am standing on the ocean's edge. It always brought calm to my soul.

I see my old companion laying next to me. He has lived a difficult life and now was his time to rest. He wanted to pass next to the ocean. I sit down next to him, extend my legs on the ground, and take his head in my lap. 

" You look much older now " he says to me affectionately. 

I look at him. He is not expecting any reply, but I give him one. I give him a promise. I am still young and fiery these days, not yet aware of the seriousness of a covenant.

" You know I will find him right? your master. I will find him and learn his secrets" I tell him.

He smiles. I am not sure if it is genuine or if he is just being nice. I touch his forearm and feel his skin. So dry and brittle it could break on my touch. He has become so old so fast and it aches my heart. 

This is good. Nostalgia is my friend. It has always slowed my pace and eased my quarrels with the notion of time. 

I look at him again and he is looking right back at me. He sees me. I understand better why he is smiling. "I sometimes forget how perceptive you are," I say gently.  

He knows I did find his master. He knows that I am on a different journey now and he is happy for me. His smile is genuine after all. 

"I'll see you soon" I say to him as I start stroking his head. He goes into a deep slumber and his eyes fade out. I stay with him for a couple of minutes, enjoying these fleeting moments of warmth. 

Waves crash down gently on the shore and retreat. taking sand with them and giving some back. What a perfect exchange. I could stay here forever, with your head on my lap, listening to the ocean sing. 

Long roads lay ahead for me before I can reach it, but I've always known that. My time will come as sure as the moon rises after the sunset. I am convinced of it.

But for now, I'll take a step back and let time play its game.

Exhale